Behind My Eyes & Things Left Unseen Part 2

My neck is a mass of knots right now (stress, unrelated to this) and so this blog post is taking a backseat in my brain at the moment but I will try. Because I promised..


I'm not going to try and tell you about ALL my "crushes" My main goal with sharing this side of things is to fill in the gaps and help you see a progression that has happened up to this point. So later you will see where I'm at presently in my life and how it is I got there.

I depended on God for everything. I became used to the idea of calling Him "my Best Friend". I understood that my Dad was a very poor example of what it was to follow Jesus. I guess to some, that would be enough motivation to turn away from faith entirely. And I DID question the existence of God (actually pretty early on), but I couldn't find enough reason to believe He wasn't real. And what were my choices? I either believe that there is a God who loves me and is all powerful to eventually get me out of the mess (even if only Heaven), OR I die. That is not an exaggeration either because even with hanging on to my faith, I thought of death repeatedly as an available option.
What stopped me? Pretty much the fear of something worse, like Hell. I know that there is no guarantee that I would go to Hell or that everyone that takes their own life won't go to Heaven. I wasn't willing to take the risk. I knew my present situation was bad living at home but I also knew that it could be worse! God was my only hope.
In the Bible it says that we should pray continually- To be in constant communication with God. I remember hearing about that verse in church and in school (I went to a Christian school for 7th and 8th grade) and I just smiled because praying continually had never been a problem for me. Jesus was like my "imaginary friend" only He was real (yes, yes, I know that is debatable to some of you).

Jr High:

I met Rosa at church. She was the childhood best friend of Jessica (read previous blog if you don't know who that is). I don't remember how or what sparked my interest in her but Rosa captured my attention like no one else. I knew she was flirty, the kind of girl that comes up and sits on laps of anyone that has one randomly. She even chose new guys to crush on randomly, but Rosa always got her man. And then a week or less later he was gone, and she was after someone new.

Sometimes she would just casually come up to me and say, "Kayt, you can't marry me, ya know". I would be speechless and embarrassed because how did she know? Could she see right through me? I always wondered why she would say that but I never had the guts to ask. I would day-dream about Rosa and I. Most of the dreams consisted of her coming on to me and me having to let her down gently because it was wrong (oh, how heroic and responsible of me).
I think I should clarify that although I had a VERY general idea of how sex was conducted, I really didn't have a clue. So when I say "coming on to me" I mean she wanted to kiss me because she fell in love with me.

Of course no guy that she was ever dating seemed like he was good enough in my eyes. I thought I could do better then them for her. I knew her home life was not great. (A very complicated family history) So I always had this protective feeling like I was going to save her or be her hero somehow.

Rosa would give me attention that generally I thought only a guy would receive from a girl. This made me think that she looked at me like all the others had seen me, like a guy. She was beautiful with dark brown glossy hair and a smile that lit up her whole face and she "lit" it up quite often.

I remember sitting in the pews during church service praying. I was asking God to make her love me the way that I loved her. I didn't want to be wrong in my assumptions. I wanted the fantasies to be real. (I was still assuming that I would do the right thing in the end.) I later DID imagine the two of us married and just the thought of her and I together forever made my heart ache. That seemed like heaven to me. I could almost hear the angels singing. It was a beautiful thought. The thought also scared me though. I knew I should not indulge in it for too long because I knew the Bible had said it was wrong. It didn't feel wrong to me.

High School:

Rosa was still my main crush. On youth trips I would "serenade" her with my voice. I was like a juke box, I knew soo many songs. Without fail, she would eventually fall asleep and lay her head on my shoulder. I loved that part because then I could smell her hair and it would brush against my cheek. A couple of times Rosa spent the night at my house. I had a full size bed in my room and I knew that it would seem normal and fine for the two of us to sleep in the same bed, but because I had opened my mind up to the fantasy life with her, that didn't seem right. If we were going to be in the same bed like that it was going to be by her choice ONLY, not because it was her only option. I was weird around her. I felt very guarded. What she was saying to me and what she was doing might have been perfectly normal Rosa behavior, yet I took it personally. One night that she stayed at my house, (sleeping on a cot in my room)I actually started to tell her the truth. Inadvertently at first, talking about something unrelated. Then before I could make myself shut-up, I was telling her everything. I finally stopped talking to hear what her response would be. There was no reply. I was getting very anxious until Zzz! *SIGH* That was a ginormous relief, and I thanked God aloud for that snore. There was never any love confession made after that by either of us.

Good place to Stop again. I do have more to say, but I think I'm going to put it back to just "High School Days" and continue from there. Thanks for sharing in my poor punctuation and not good grammar. Most of all, thanks so much to those of you that have taken an interest in hearing my story. I think, push comes to shove, I'm actually just writing this out (the long version) for my own benefit and to have a reference for later if I want. But it's always a very nice thing to know that other people care to read it too.

You all make me smile.