Behind My Eyes & Things Left Unseen Part 1

I think right now is a good time to back up the memory train and clarify some things that were going on inside my head by this point (by this point in my story we are nearing H.S.)

Concerning my inner-self and the developing view of my own identity:

I couldn't tell you my age but it must have been sometime right before I went to kindergarten. This is so hard to explain. It's funny, because I remember it not being very hard to accept for real and true. I remember it like a dream. It's like a "knowing" just by thoughts and feelings but nothing said aloud. Not by me anyway. As if someone had just come in my room while I slept and whispered to me over and over again this same thing. Ever so softly but searingly it was whispered to me, "There was a mistake. I(God) made a mistake. When you were made you were supposed to be a boy. But now you are a boy's soul in a girl's body."
I didn't want to accept it but what was I supposed to do? As time went by it became increasingly evident that it was a fact about me that others noticed, and I was only denying the inevitable.

We played Star Wars on the playground everyday, my two friends and I. We were in kindergarten and I was in Daisy Scouts. I had short hair and glasses too big for my face. And John Mark (one of my two friends) was a stud that I never felt adequate to impress. Our mutual friend was Wendy and she was gorgeous with perfect hair, the perfect smile, and perfect femininity. Honestly, I didn't remember too much of kindergarten except crushing hard on John Mark and playing Star Wars. John Mark obviously played the lead as "Luke Skywalker". Jessica was a natural for the "Princess". So where did I fit? You guessed it! I was "Darth Vader". So I guess we were one small dysfunctional family. :) The Vader role play only made me feel even more inferior. I wanted so badly to be the princess in story, just once.
I knew just because of that silly game and the parts we were designated to play each day, I never would stand a chance of gaining John Mark's attention. After all I was his evil sinister robotic father.

Her name was Carrie R. I was in second grade when I "met" her. I say "met" because I don't remember actually saying two words to her. I know I probably did at some point but it could have been just two words. She to me was the absolute epitome of what it was to be beautiful. I remembered wondering if she was an angel because standing out at recess there was a glow of sunlight that surrounded her face. Sounds like I had quite a crush, doesn't it? For lack of better words, I guess I did. I had butterflies in my chest when she would walk by and if she ever glanced my way I would quickly stare at the floor. She seemed so far above me in status, her clothes, her constant "togetherness', yet she had the sweetness in her voice and face that told me she wouldn't look down on me. I could never get close enough to find out if that were true or not though, because I knew it was weird how I seemingly worshipped her from afar.

This is a very personal part to share so I need to break it up a little. I need to regroup my thoughts so that when they come out on here they actually seem coherent and understandable to those who do not live inside my head. You know, I was just thinking...If all of you were mind readers ...Nah! That would suck :P

C-ya again tomorrow