Romans 1:18-32 (NIV)
18)The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19)since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20)For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities --his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
21)For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22)Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23)and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
24)Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25)They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
26)Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27)In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
28)Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29)They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30)slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31)they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32)Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
Next post will refer back to this one. Please let me know if you notice a typo.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Reheated
MMMmm Cold four hour old coffee. It really gets my heart pumping, let me tell ya.
I was considering my last post and I think I need to back the memory train up again ---just to give you more insight into my head.
I HAD considered by this point that there was something immoral about my imaginary life that I continuously returned to. Mainly because my friendship with Rosa had suffered because of it.
I knew that I had not been "present" to be a real friend to her. And that was certainly not a good definition of love.
I still had a hard time extinguishing notions that she did not ever desire something more of me. Even after reality had violently waved it in my face. But this failed relationship had prompted me to try to prevent this from happening again.
The fantasy barrier was one of respect, and that was how I rationalized it. I would only "fantasize" about movie scenes or related fictional characters from now on. That was my new rule, although I'm certain that I broke it from time to time.
I thought I could CHOOSE to be selective with my thoughts and it would be alright.
My mind was a safe place for me.
That makes me sound kind of childish I guess, but it's not that different. It was a habit I had made for myself. Possibly an escape originally. Now it was just security. It gave me a sense of familiarity. We all have our own ways of dealing with change. I had play after play of my memories behind eyes and would splice them and alter them as I saw fit.
My Mom used to walk into my room and catch me (look who's think'n dirty now). She would catch me talking to myself (fully clothed with my hands where you could see them ;) ). And she would ask me who I was talking to. My reply most of the time was "God". It sounded better than just me conversing all the time to myself and I figured that God was listening in no matter what sooo technically..... just kidding.
OK that was a tangent.
I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that for me to look into ANY scripture that might tell me I need to change who I am and tell me that I needed to somehow give this head life up FOR GOOD! What??!! I must have been insane. Giving up like that was terrifying. It would change my world. It would make me have to choose between God and myself. I knew who would lose that battle.
I looked at all kinds text, both old and new testaments. Not forgetting to double check with the original Greek and Hebrew texts. Word searches a plenty, I was going full speed and hardcore. I would not be satisfied until every stone was overturned and a conclusion was clear. Because an unclear conclusion would mean that either I missed something or the Bible was irrelevant to my life.
The main passage that I began to focus in on was from Romans 1:18-32.
(I will type it from the NIV after this post)
I'm not sure if I can stress enough that no one threw this Bible verse(s) at me. How would they? No one knew anything about this "issue" in my life.
You couldn't tell anymore (I made sure of that one). I had perfected my coolness and my femininity and I would not let myself be called "gay" or a man again. That was like painting a bright red target on my forehead. A permanent branding that would never wash off. This secret was between God and I and I wanted it to stay that way.
I was considering my last post and I think I need to back the memory train up again ---just to give you more insight into my head.
I HAD considered by this point that there was something immoral about my imaginary life that I continuously returned to. Mainly because my friendship with Rosa had suffered because of it.
I knew that I had not been "present" to be a real friend to her. And that was certainly not a good definition of love.
I still had a hard time extinguishing notions that she did not ever desire something more of me. Even after reality had violently waved it in my face. But this failed relationship had prompted me to try to prevent this from happening again.
The fantasy barrier was one of respect, and that was how I rationalized it. I would only "fantasize" about movie scenes or related fictional characters from now on. That was my new rule, although I'm certain that I broke it from time to time.
I thought I could CHOOSE to be selective with my thoughts and it would be alright.
My mind was a safe place for me.
That makes me sound kind of childish I guess, but it's not that different. It was a habit I had made for myself. Possibly an escape originally. Now it was just security. It gave me a sense of familiarity. We all have our own ways of dealing with change. I had play after play of my memories behind eyes and would splice them and alter them as I saw fit.
My Mom used to walk into my room and catch me (look who's think'n dirty now). She would catch me talking to myself (fully clothed with my hands where you could see them ;) ). And she would ask me who I was talking to. My reply most of the time was "God". It sounded better than just me conversing all the time to myself and I figured that God was listening in no matter what sooo technically..... just kidding.
OK that was a tangent.
I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that for me to look into ANY scripture that might tell me I need to change who I am and tell me that I needed to somehow give this head life up FOR GOOD! What??!! I must have been insane. Giving up like that was terrifying. It would change my world. It would make me have to choose between God and myself. I knew who would lose that battle.
I looked at all kinds text, both old and new testaments. Not forgetting to double check with the original Greek and Hebrew texts. Word searches a plenty, I was going full speed and hardcore. I would not be satisfied until every stone was overturned and a conclusion was clear. Because an unclear conclusion would mean that either I missed something or the Bible was irrelevant to my life.
The main passage that I began to focus in on was from Romans 1:18-32.
(I will type it from the NIV after this post)
I'm not sure if I can stress enough that no one threw this Bible verse(s) at me. How would they? No one knew anything about this "issue" in my life.
You couldn't tell anymore (I made sure of that one). I had perfected my coolness and my femininity and I would not let myself be called "gay" or a man again. That was like painting a bright red target on my forehead. A permanent branding that would never wash off. This secret was between God and I and I wanted it to stay that way.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Like waking up from a dream...(Incomplete)
So what did you think about the "Personality Profile"? I would actually encourage everyone to take one of these kind of tests, because I think its very beneficial to our relationships to other people that we understand ourselves better (our strengths and weaknesses).
I actually (believe it or not) found this one from a facebook application. Imagine my surprise when I saw how 'Right On' it was with my life. With the exceptions of some differences here and there that simply demonstrated my potential but there were obstacles in my life that made it more difficult to achieve fully. Such as with college and career and staying steadily focused in one area of expertise. As was indicated in my previous blog entries I had a difficult time with college. I think this was primarily due to self-esteem issues that followed me to school though. Even while my Dad was miles from me and the kids from 4th grade wouldn't even know me from Adam anymore, their voices still haunt me. Life is funny like that.
One thing that I wanted to point out from the Personality Analysis was the career choices it suggested would be attractive to me.
"Clergy" was the first one mentioned.
I thought that was interesting because my first response to the question of what I wanted to do with my life (in career terms that is) was forever leaning towards a place in ministry.
I tossed around the idea with several different department possibilities including Children's Ministry and serving as an overseas Missionary. But if I were to be completely honest with you and myself (although I've never been so bold as to say it aloud because I knew how frowned upon it would be) I always wanted to be a preacher or at the very least a youth minister.
I know some of you that read this are thinking.."What's wrong with that? Go for it!" But according to scripture and tradition that I have grown up with, it is not a women's place. :( Another bummer that I was born a lady, I guess.
Alright
Let's get down to it....
I don't know what year it was or the time or day of the week even except to tell you that it had to be a weekday since it happened right after class.
I'm not even sure what sparked it. There must have been some random scripture that was mentioned in class that turned on a light in my head. All I know is hell must have been close to freezing because I was on my way to the Library on campus in search of answers to questions that were unrelated to any class project.
I must have been there for a least 4 to 5 hours because when I was done frantically researching, it was feeding time again at the CAF.
(Continued story on next post.)
I actually (believe it or not) found this one from a facebook application. Imagine my surprise when I saw how 'Right On' it was with my life. With the exceptions of some differences here and there that simply demonstrated my potential but there were obstacles in my life that made it more difficult to achieve fully. Such as with college and career and staying steadily focused in one area of expertise. As was indicated in my previous blog entries I had a difficult time with college. I think this was primarily due to self-esteem issues that followed me to school though. Even while my Dad was miles from me and the kids from 4th grade wouldn't even know me from Adam anymore, their voices still haunt me. Life is funny like that.
One thing that I wanted to point out from the Personality Analysis was the career choices it suggested would be attractive to me.
"Clergy" was the first one mentioned.
I thought that was interesting because my first response to the question of what I wanted to do with my life (in career terms that is) was forever leaning towards a place in ministry.
I tossed around the idea with several different department possibilities including Children's Ministry and serving as an overseas Missionary. But if I were to be completely honest with you and myself (although I've never been so bold as to say it aloud because I knew how frowned upon it would be) I always wanted to be a preacher or at the very least a youth minister.
I know some of you that read this are thinking.."What's wrong with that? Go for it!" But according to scripture and tradition that I have grown up with, it is not a women's place. :( Another bummer that I was born a lady, I guess.
Alright
Let's get down to it....
I don't know what year it was or the time or day of the week even except to tell you that it had to be a weekday since it happened right after class.
I'm not even sure what sparked it. There must have been some random scripture that was mentioned in class that turned on a light in my head. All I know is hell must have been close to freezing because I was on my way to the Library on campus in search of answers to questions that were unrelated to any class project.
I must have been there for a least 4 to 5 hours because when I was done frantically researching, it was feeding time again at the CAF.
(Continued story on next post.)
Sunday, May 2, 2010
My Personality Test Results
INFJ Profile
In general, INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and, thereby, human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They do not call a great deal of attention to themselves, preferring that their contributions speak for them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations.
INFJ Life
INFJ children have two sides. They can be gregarious and very much involved in the world of people, as well as quiet, imaginative, and in their own world. INFJ children are gentle and often abhor violence, especially in their childhood games.
As teenagers, INFJs look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate them. Without this support, they can feel isolated from others. INFJs who do not find a supportive social group may find the teen years to be somewhat difficult for them because of peer pressure to be "popular" and activity oriented. They are not likely to enjoy large parties, but prefer intimate groups of close and long-standing friends. They may participate, and even lead, in such things as academic activities, yearbook, and newspaper, because these activities allow them to express outwardly their regard for others and enable them to exercise their creativity.
Many INFJs who have the opportunity gravitate toward higher education, where they often find their niche and "place in the sun". With their intellectual bent, they are led to endeavors that allow them to deal with theory and complexity. Professors often spot their intellectual inclination and encourage it.
INFJs often settle early into a career choice and diligently apply themselves to the career's requirements. This same diligent pattern applies when selecting other important things in their lives, such as where to live, who to marry, and what activities are worthy of their dedication.
INFJs have an internal picture of how they would like their work to contribute to the general good. INFJs are committed more to their ideas than to any individual organization. If they are in an appropriate career area, INFJs may reap the rewards of their insight and hard work. Because of their future-focus, their people orientation, and their push toward task completion, they may rise to positions of responsibility.
INFJs tend to believe that if their ideas are sound, those ideas will carry them through their lives. As a result, retirement will take care of itself. They may vary in the amount of actual planning they have done for this stage of their lives. INFJs look forward to nurturing family relationships, to grandchildren, and to seeing the foundations that they have made for themselves flourish. They anticipate the time when they can engage in hobbies without interruptions and have peace and quiet for reflection. Retirement also gives them the opportunity to become further involved in interests that they have developed over their lifetimes.
INFJs at Work
INFJs tend to be devoted to what they believe in and seek work where their needs, values, and ideals can be deeply engaged. They move on the wave of their inspirations and are determined to see that their values are worked out in their lives. They will work toward their goals individually and, when needed, will put together a team of other highly dedicated people like themselves.
They are personable with others, working with integrity and consistency, and they follow through on their commitments. INFJs, while concentrating on what is important to them, may ignore the political ramifications of their actions. They can be surprised by the necessity of being political and usually resent that aspect of organizational life. Being able to talk honestly and comfortably to people at work is much more important to them than "playing games."
Work Setting
INFJs prefer a quiet and organized work setting that allows them time and space for reflection, yet one in which it is possible to interact freely with others. Their offices may have a personal feel and be filled with mementos or photos involving persons or causes important to them. INFJs like to be around people who are strongly focused on making a difference to overall human well-being. They want opportunities to be creative.
Organizing Style
INFJs orient themselves toward their goals using a personal values based framework. They do not "advertise" their values and priorities because they believe in harmony and positive relationships. However, one would do well not to underestimate the amount of perseverance, energy, and time INFJs give to their priorities. What they do, they do with an almost religious intensity.
The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. For example, INFJs may lose their glasses or misplace their car keys because they do not pay enough attention to organizing mundane, everyday things. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of the external world. The external world will become organized if it is important to the INFJ's internal vision, if there is room for it, or if important people request it.
Occupations
To perform well at work, individuals may need to use all of the eight preferences at the appropriate time and when required by the situation. Knowing this, people tend to select occupations that allow them to use the preferences that are most natural to them.
INFJs prefer occupations that focus on the big picture, involve conceptual awareness, and lead to a better understanding of the spiritual, emotional, or future needs of people. They want their work to have impact and meaning and for it to bring them admiration and respect.
While INFJs can and do enter all occupations, some are more appealing to them than others. According to available research, some occupations (in alphabetical order) seem to be especially attractive to INFJs: clergy, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, librarian, marketeer, psychiatrist, psychologist, scientist, social worker, and other occupations that allow INFJs an opportunity to make their own creative contribution. These occupations are not meant to be an exhaustive list, but serve to illustrate some areas an INFJ might enjoy. If your specific occupation, or one that you are interested in, is not listed here, think instead of its generaL characteristics and ask yourself how those fit with your type.
INFJs in Love
For INFJs, "still waters run deep." They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones. The depth of involvement and feeling that the INFJ has toward loved ones is only partially communicated outward. At times, when alone, the INFJs become truly in touch with the depth of the love they have for their partner.
They may not openly demonstrate, or even verbalize, their intense feelings. INFJs often have an ideal standard of what love is. They hold to their ideal and are disappointed when, inevitably, their relationship and/or their mate reveals flaws.
INFJs enjoy sharing activities like a regular "date," revisiting the place where they first met their mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue and confirm the existence of the bond that they feel for their partner.
INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it. However, when they meet that special person, they are quick to get into the relationship and make it a serious one. They will end their other relationships in order to pursue their loved one. They become very focused, intense, and direct in that pursuit.
INFJs, when scorned, take it personally and retreat inward. They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalize their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long period of self-examination.
In general, INFJs are future oriented, and direct their insight and inspiration toward the understanding of themselves and, thereby, human nature. Their work mirrors their integrity, and it needs to reflect their inner ideals. Solitude and an opportunity to concentrate thoroughly on what counts most is important to them. INFJs prefer to quietly exert their influence. They have deeply felt compassion, and they desire harmony with others. INFJs understand the complexities existing within people and among them. They do not call a great deal of attention to themselves, preferring that their contributions speak for them. They are at their best concentrating on their ideas, ideals, and inspirations.
INFJ Life
INFJ children have two sides. They can be gregarious and very much involved in the world of people, as well as quiet, imaginative, and in their own world. INFJ children are gentle and often abhor violence, especially in their childhood games.
As teenagers, INFJs look for a small group of people who understand and appreciate them. Without this support, they can feel isolated from others. INFJs who do not find a supportive social group may find the teen years to be somewhat difficult for them because of peer pressure to be "popular" and activity oriented. They are not likely to enjoy large parties, but prefer intimate groups of close and long-standing friends. They may participate, and even lead, in such things as academic activities, yearbook, and newspaper, because these activities allow them to express outwardly their regard for others and enable them to exercise their creativity.
Many INFJs who have the opportunity gravitate toward higher education, where they often find their niche and "place in the sun". With their intellectual bent, they are led to endeavors that allow them to deal with theory and complexity. Professors often spot their intellectual inclination and encourage it.
INFJs often settle early into a career choice and diligently apply themselves to the career's requirements. This same diligent pattern applies when selecting other important things in their lives, such as where to live, who to marry, and what activities are worthy of their dedication.
INFJs have an internal picture of how they would like their work to contribute to the general good. INFJs are committed more to their ideas than to any individual organization. If they are in an appropriate career area, INFJs may reap the rewards of their insight and hard work. Because of their future-focus, their people orientation, and their push toward task completion, they may rise to positions of responsibility.
INFJs tend to believe that if their ideas are sound, those ideas will carry them through their lives. As a result, retirement will take care of itself. They may vary in the amount of actual planning they have done for this stage of their lives. INFJs look forward to nurturing family relationships, to grandchildren, and to seeing the foundations that they have made for themselves flourish. They anticipate the time when they can engage in hobbies without interruptions and have peace and quiet for reflection. Retirement also gives them the opportunity to become further involved in interests that they have developed over their lifetimes.
INFJs at Work
INFJs tend to be devoted to what they believe in and seek work where their needs, values, and ideals can be deeply engaged. They move on the wave of their inspirations and are determined to see that their values are worked out in their lives. They will work toward their goals individually and, when needed, will put together a team of other highly dedicated people like themselves.
They are personable with others, working with integrity and consistency, and they follow through on their commitments. INFJs, while concentrating on what is important to them, may ignore the political ramifications of their actions. They can be surprised by the necessity of being political and usually resent that aspect of organizational life. Being able to talk honestly and comfortably to people at work is much more important to them than "playing games."
Work Setting
INFJs prefer a quiet and organized work setting that allows them time and space for reflection, yet one in which it is possible to interact freely with others. Their offices may have a personal feel and be filled with mementos or photos involving persons or causes important to them. INFJs like to be around people who are strongly focused on making a difference to overall human well-being. They want opportunities to be creative.
Organizing Style
INFJs orient themselves toward their goals using a personal values based framework. They do not "advertise" their values and priorities because they believe in harmony and positive relationships. However, one would do well not to underestimate the amount of perseverance, energy, and time INFJs give to their priorities. What they do, they do with an almost religious intensity.
The INFJ external environment may be only partially organized. For example, INFJs may lose their glasses or misplace their car keys because they do not pay enough attention to organizing mundane, everyday things. Their internal environment, by contrast, is anything but haphazard. Their ideas need to fit into a coherent whole that has the pieces in place. Organization of the internal world takes precedence over organization of the external world. The external world will become organized if it is important to the INFJ's internal vision, if there is room for it, or if important people request it.
Occupations
To perform well at work, individuals may need to use all of the eight preferences at the appropriate time and when required by the situation. Knowing this, people tend to select occupations that allow them to use the preferences that are most natural to them.
INFJs prefer occupations that focus on the big picture, involve conceptual awareness, and lead to a better understanding of the spiritual, emotional, or future needs of people. They want their work to have impact and meaning and for it to bring them admiration and respect.
While INFJs can and do enter all occupations, some are more appealing to them than others. According to available research, some occupations (in alphabetical order) seem to be especially attractive to INFJs: clergy, education consultant, English teacher, fine arts teacher, librarian, marketeer, psychiatrist, psychologist, scientist, social worker, and other occupations that allow INFJs an opportunity to make their own creative contribution. These occupations are not meant to be an exhaustive list, but serve to illustrate some areas an INFJ might enjoy. If your specific occupation, or one that you are interested in, is not listed here, think instead of its generaL characteristics and ask yourself how those fit with your type.
INFJs in Love
For INFJs, "still waters run deep." They tend to become attracted to someone special and prefer this one deep relationship over many superficial ones. The depth of involvement and feeling that the INFJ has toward loved ones is only partially communicated outward. At times, when alone, the INFJs become truly in touch with the depth of the love they have for their partner.
They may not openly demonstrate, or even verbalize, their intense feelings. INFJs often have an ideal standard of what love is. They hold to their ideal and are disappointed when, inevitably, their relationship and/or their mate reveals flaws.
INFJs enjoy sharing activities like a regular "date," revisiting the place where they first met their mates, or doing other symbolic things that help to continue and confirm the existence of the bond that they feel for their partner.
INFJs want to give love and to be loved. They enter into relationships just to be cared for, even when the person is not right for them and they suspect it. However, when they meet that special person, they are quick to get into the relationship and make it a serious one. They will end their other relationships in order to pursue their loved one. They become very focused, intense, and direct in that pursuit.
INFJs, when scorned, take it personally and retreat inward. They may obsess about the relationship and their role in its failure. INFJs may blame themselves and experience a period of mourning. If they do not marshall their resources, externalize their feelings, and take risks to move on, they may experience a long period of self-examination.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Ben there. Done that. And Now it's Over
We left off with me falling apart in front of what was then my Best Friend, Ben.
I ended up telling him in a vague and somewhat artistic way just how I felt about him and us. I knew it wasn't right to push it. But looking back...I know I did.
After that moment between us I got bold.
I finally put my foot down on the whole relationship. Either me or her - "You NEED to CHOOSE." That was a mistake even before it came out of my mouth. I felt prideful desperation (If that is possible).
And Blah Blah...
He later told me he "missed" me over a summer break. YES!! PayOFF (Or so I thought, but no)
He and his girlfriend ended up separating because of distance and life choices, but Ben and I never became anything more than close friends.
In fact that friendship was already on the brink of over. I didn't want it that way obviously, but Ben no longer held an attraction to me. It was there when it wasn't supposed to be...and NOW that we had a chance and I had waited (did the "right" thing) ...He didn't want me anymore.
He still said he loved me, even more than a sister (whatever that means). It obviously wasn't enough and that's all I heard.
I pulled hair out over this.
I went to class every morning with red drained eyes.
School, life, my ultimate purpose and drive to serve the Lord was all taking the backseat to the heartache I felt.
It was OVER!
But how could it be?? This was what God wanted!
Wasn't it?!
Why would He (God) let me fall in love just to fall on my face??
Confusion...Pain ...anxiety...
Love doesn't just stop loving.
There were no answers to my questions.
Life kept moving on and somehow I had to keep moving too.
Next Up is:
My ultimate "Trust-Fall" I make a decision to trust God's thinking over my own.
I ended up telling him in a vague and somewhat artistic way just how I felt about him and us. I knew it wasn't right to push it. But looking back...I know I did.
After that moment between us I got bold.
I finally put my foot down on the whole relationship. Either me or her - "You NEED to CHOOSE." That was a mistake even before it came out of my mouth. I felt prideful desperation (If that is possible).
And Blah Blah...
He later told me he "missed" me over a summer break. YES!! PayOFF (Or so I thought, but no)
He and his girlfriend ended up separating because of distance and life choices, but Ben and I never became anything more than close friends.
In fact that friendship was already on the brink of over. I didn't want it that way obviously, but Ben no longer held an attraction to me. It was there when it wasn't supposed to be...and NOW that we had a chance and I had waited (did the "right" thing) ...He didn't want me anymore.
He still said he loved me, even more than a sister (whatever that means). It obviously wasn't enough and that's all I heard.
I pulled hair out over this.
I went to class every morning with red drained eyes.
School, life, my ultimate purpose and drive to serve the Lord was all taking the backseat to the heartache I felt.
It was OVER!
But how could it be?? This was what God wanted!
Wasn't it?!
Why would He (God) let me fall in love just to fall on my face??
Confusion...Pain ...anxiety...
Love doesn't just stop loving.
There were no answers to my questions.
Life kept moving on and somehow I had to keep moving too.
Next Up is:
My ultimate "Trust-Fall" I make a decision to trust God's thinking over my own.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Fate and Fairytales
I don't believe in fate. I DO believe that if they say that faith can move mountains, then literally, I expect a mountain to be MOVED.
I'm not sure if that's clear or not. But basically, I prayed for something specific and I believed that God heard and was capable to answer that prayer. No matter how absurd.
When I met Ben, I thought he was my answer.
After being introduced through a mutual friend Ben and I just clicked. We started to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us. I know what that implies but there was none of that going on. Ben had a girlfriend back home and he was certain that she was soon to be something more. She was not a Christian so that was the only debating factor in his mind.
On my side of it...It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, when we first met (although I thought the meeting was interestingly weird) my first impression was - dork.
It was later, after we started talking over milkshakes and tots that my heart started to become less guarded. I wasn't interested in becoming that "other girl" and stealing him away from his girlfriend, but I liked the conversations that we shared together. I enjoyed his company.
Now to get really embarrassing (for me).... BECAUSE hindsight IS 20/20...
I started seeing circumstances, scenarios and odd happenings all around me that seemed to keep pushing us together. I thought it was God doing it. I thought...
I was getting EXACTLY what I prayed for.
My prayer went something like this:
God,
I know I'm not going to be looking for him anymore. My focus is on school this time. But I just think it would easier if I KNEW that "He" actually exists. So even if its not the right time and EVEN IF he and I are both not ready yet... Could you please just allow me to SEE him and KNOW that "he" is real. I want to know that you are listening and have a plan for me. I just want to see him. Even if he doesn't see me.
Just to know.....
I never fantasized about Ben. I never imagined things happening while I was alone concerning the two of us. It wasn't like that. But I knew I felt different when he was near me.
The butterflies when he entered the room -check,
The nervousness/giddiness -check check,
And
The never wanting our time together to ever end -check check
CHECK!
Not to mention my breaking heart every time I let myself realize that I was "falling" for him and he still had a girlfriend.
You could look back and say, I was delusional about the whole relationship. I became certain that this was God's plan. I believed that I had pushed it (the meeting before its time) and the direct result was pain for me.
Apparently, "knowing" was not as good as I thought it would be.
My only consolation was knowing that sometime in the future we would be together. The plan had already been made by God Himself.
Of course, I couldn't share any of these seemingly crazy notions of answered prayers with Ben. He was my best friend but I couldn't share what was in my heart with him. And it was eating me up inside.
He accompanied me to my hometown just for a fun break from school over a weekend. We went to visit my old H.S., and some of the famous landmarks around the city (famous to me and my H.S. friends anyway). While we were ice skating, that's when it happened. The bottom finally fell out. All my efforts to keep it up inside were not holding anymore. He was on the ice and I was on the bleachers, and I started to cry.
I couldn't stop it.
There was no going back after he saw me. I knew he would ask- "Why?"
What was I going to say to that? The truth was always there with me, but I kept it just out of reach.
I wanted to marry him and I'd never felt that way about any man before.
To be cont'd
(BTW- Just in case you were wondering, My husband's name is Drew)
I'm not sure if that's clear or not. But basically, I prayed for something specific and I believed that God heard and was capable to answer that prayer. No matter how absurd.
When I met Ben, I thought he was my answer.
After being introduced through a mutual friend Ben and I just clicked. We started to spend a lot of time together - just the two of us. I know what that implies but there was none of that going on. Ben had a girlfriend back home and he was certain that she was soon to be something more. She was not a Christian so that was the only debating factor in his mind.
On my side of it...It wasn't love at first sight. In fact, when we first met (although I thought the meeting was interestingly weird) my first impression was - dork.
It was later, after we started talking over milkshakes and tots that my heart started to become less guarded. I wasn't interested in becoming that "other girl" and stealing him away from his girlfriend, but I liked the conversations that we shared together. I enjoyed his company.
Now to get really embarrassing (for me).... BECAUSE hindsight IS 20/20...
I started seeing circumstances, scenarios and odd happenings all around me that seemed to keep pushing us together. I thought it was God doing it. I thought...
I was getting EXACTLY what I prayed for.
My prayer went something like this:
God,
I know I'm not going to be looking for him anymore. My focus is on school this time. But I just think it would easier if I KNEW that "He" actually exists. So even if its not the right time and EVEN IF he and I are both not ready yet... Could you please just allow me to SEE him and KNOW that "he" is real. I want to know that you are listening and have a plan for me. I just want to see him. Even if he doesn't see me.
Just to know.....
I never fantasized about Ben. I never imagined things happening while I was alone concerning the two of us. It wasn't like that. But I knew I felt different when he was near me.
The butterflies when he entered the room -check,
The nervousness/giddiness -check check,
And
The never wanting our time together to ever end -check check
CHECK!
Not to mention my breaking heart every time I let myself realize that I was "falling" for him and he still had a girlfriend.
You could look back and say, I was delusional about the whole relationship. I became certain that this was God's plan. I believed that I had pushed it (the meeting before its time) and the direct result was pain for me.
Apparently, "knowing" was not as good as I thought it would be.
My only consolation was knowing that sometime in the future we would be together. The plan had already been made by God Himself.
Of course, I couldn't share any of these seemingly crazy notions of answered prayers with Ben. He was my best friend but I couldn't share what was in my heart with him. And it was eating me up inside.
He accompanied me to my hometown just for a fun break from school over a weekend. We went to visit my old H.S., and some of the famous landmarks around the city (famous to me and my H.S. friends anyway). While we were ice skating, that's when it happened. The bottom finally fell out. All my efforts to keep it up inside were not holding anymore. He was on the ice and I was on the bleachers, and I started to cry.
I couldn't stop it.
There was no going back after he saw me. I knew he would ask- "Why?"
What was I going to say to that? The truth was always there with me, but I kept it just out of reach.
I wanted to marry him and I'd never felt that way about any man before.
To be cont'd
(BTW- Just in case you were wondering, My husband's name is Drew)
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
ZZZZzzz...?!?
School was hard for me.
College was even Harder.
I came to college with poor habits in organization and simple study skills. As you already know I am one of those "last minute" people. And with my parents miles and miles away I had no one to tell me that I needed to go to bed at a descent hour or my body would suffer. (And it did!) To sum it up, I might have matured in some ways but the skills needed to excel in school were stuck in adolescence.
In H.S. I had witnessed other kids sleeping at their desk. In moments of boredom, I attempted to do the same but never could get comfortable enough.
I never understood the art of sleeping while sitting even while inside a car or van on a long road trip.
I was a light sleeper. But right after I got to college, I could not seem to wake up! I wasn't trying to sleep in class, but it seemed like the only thing I COULD do. It was incredibly frustrating sometimes. I actually wondered if they were emitting some kind of gas through the vents into the room making it so difficult for me to stay awake.
Keeping up with assignments and reading came secondary to my social life that semester. I was going anywhere and everywhere except to my own dorm room to study. The library only existed when I was meeting another friend there to head off somewhere else. I must have thought I was on a Super Retreat or something. I'm not really sure...I didn't drink at all but the whole semester is kind of a blur to me now.
I met alot of guys that I took notice of but they seemed too preoccupied with other girls. At one point I was told by an upper classman from my dorm that I was popular. She said this as if she felt privileged to get to spend time talking to me. I was shocked by that. Of course being popular seemed like a good thing and probably my forever goal while at any school, but just looking around I couldn't see a single real friend in my life. There was no one who knew me or even acted as if they cared to get past the superficial. I was lonely.
....AND I was close to flunking out of college.
I had winter break (apox 4 weeks) to get my act together before school started up again. I was placed on academic probation. This meant that I was limited in my hours I could take, and I had to maintain a certain GPA by the end of the term.
None of that bothered me too much because.... I MADE A Decision.
I decided that I didn't have to be what I always thought I was (which was a failure). I could make myself into a super student if I wanted to (and I did!) Besides establishing better organizational skills for my classwork, I also developed a better bedtime routine and social discipline for my busy class schedule. I would start projects when they were assigned and not wait till the night before they were due. The Library had become my home away from home and my dorm room desk was actually sat at and used.
I quickly learned that if you say "No" a couple of times to your friends they stop asking you to join them to go places.
I was willing to do whatever it took even if it meant looking like a hermit to everyone around me.
More important than all the other study habits and wires I had recrossed in my brain. I had made a decision to NOT worry about guys anymore. I would be married to my books.
Later on that semester......
I met Ben.
College was even Harder.
I came to college with poor habits in organization and simple study skills. As you already know I am one of those "last minute" people. And with my parents miles and miles away I had no one to tell me that I needed to go to bed at a descent hour or my body would suffer. (And it did!) To sum it up, I might have matured in some ways but the skills needed to excel in school were stuck in adolescence.
In H.S. I had witnessed other kids sleeping at their desk. In moments of boredom, I attempted to do the same but never could get comfortable enough.
I never understood the art of sleeping while sitting even while inside a car or van on a long road trip.
I was a light sleeper. But right after I got to college, I could not seem to wake up! I wasn't trying to sleep in class, but it seemed like the only thing I COULD do. It was incredibly frustrating sometimes. I actually wondered if they were emitting some kind of gas through the vents into the room making it so difficult for me to stay awake.
Keeping up with assignments and reading came secondary to my social life that semester. I was going anywhere and everywhere except to my own dorm room to study. The library only existed when I was meeting another friend there to head off somewhere else. I must have thought I was on a Super Retreat or something. I'm not really sure...I didn't drink at all but the whole semester is kind of a blur to me now.
I met alot of guys that I took notice of but they seemed too preoccupied with other girls. At one point I was told by an upper classman from my dorm that I was popular. She said this as if she felt privileged to get to spend time talking to me. I was shocked by that. Of course being popular seemed like a good thing and probably my forever goal while at any school, but just looking around I couldn't see a single real friend in my life. There was no one who knew me or even acted as if they cared to get past the superficial. I was lonely.
....AND I was close to flunking out of college.
I had winter break (apox 4 weeks) to get my act together before school started up again. I was placed on academic probation. This meant that I was limited in my hours I could take, and I had to maintain a certain GPA by the end of the term.
None of that bothered me too much because.... I MADE A Decision.
I decided that I didn't have to be what I always thought I was (which was a failure). I could make myself into a super student if I wanted to (and I did!) Besides establishing better organizational skills for my classwork, I also developed a better bedtime routine and social discipline for my busy class schedule. I would start projects when they were assigned and not wait till the night before they were due. The Library had become my home away from home and my dorm room desk was actually sat at and used.
I quickly learned that if you say "No" a couple of times to your friends they stop asking you to join them to go places.
I was willing to do whatever it took even if it meant looking like a hermit to everyone around me.
More important than all the other study habits and wires I had recrossed in my brain. I had made a decision to NOT worry about guys anymore. I would be married to my books.
Later on that semester......
I met Ben.
Monday, April 5, 2010
My motivation
I think it should be obvious to everyone who has kept up so far that I'm no saint. But sometimes I think about the previous blog entry I posted and wonder... Have I told all the awful truth about me, or just enough so I wouldn't have to let you see just how completely terrible I can be?
A friend recently to wrote me (after reading this blog) saying much about sympathy and pity. She seems to believe that when people share their hard life stories, prompting an emotional response is their main purpose.
I want to clarify on here publicly as I did in my response privately to her.
I am NOT seeking sympathy.
I only ask for comments as an encouragement to let me know I am writing to someone other than myself.
My motivation:
I think we are far enough along in the story that I can say that I have a secrets. These secrets I have kept from many people close to me for a very long time.
I think there is a danger in keeping some things secret. My fantasy life and struggles within my head are very easy to keep to myself. However, when I challenge myself to let it out...To let you see inside my head...I am at your mercy. This is both scary and freeing.
All the time we hear of men and women "coming out of the closet". Just recently Ricky Martin did this publicly. He expressed how wonderful it felt to not have to hide THAT about himself anymore. There is a freedom felt when we let go of worrying of what others think, and we just LIVE. When you can spill out all that you have been thinking and feeling all along then it doesn't press on your heart as much. A giant weight has been lifted for Ricky, I would imagine.
I am not gay (homosexual) and have never referred to myself that way, but this is my "coming out". Take away what you will from it. All I ask is that you read it and know that I am being completely honest with you. This is me.
A friend recently to wrote me (after reading this blog) saying much about sympathy and pity. She seems to believe that when people share their hard life stories, prompting an emotional response is their main purpose.
I want to clarify on here publicly as I did in my response privately to her.
I am NOT seeking sympathy.
I only ask for comments as an encouragement to let me know I am writing to someone other than myself.
My motivation:
I think we are far enough along in the story that I can say that I have a secrets. These secrets I have kept from many people close to me for a very long time.
I think there is a danger in keeping some things secret. My fantasy life and struggles within my head are very easy to keep to myself. However, when I challenge myself to let it out...To let you see inside my head...I am at your mercy. This is both scary and freeing.
All the time we hear of men and women "coming out of the closet". Just recently Ricky Martin did this publicly. He expressed how wonderful it felt to not have to hide THAT about himself anymore. There is a freedom felt when we let go of worrying of what others think, and we just LIVE. When you can spill out all that you have been thinking and feeling all along then it doesn't press on your heart as much. A giant weight has been lifted for Ricky, I would imagine.
I am not gay (homosexual) and have never referred to myself that way, but this is my "coming out". Take away what you will from it. All I ask is that you read it and know that I am being completely honest with you. This is me.
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