Things that are left alone go unnoticed ...till one day...

New info related to the post two weeks ago (Curly Blond) coming soon.
Everything is related to everything else...don't cha know? ;)

Sometimes your hands could use a hand and sometimes... your ears could use an aide

Random song lyrics needs no introduction because... it's "random"

My God, What do you want from me?

Silence still
Unseen, Unheard
Watching and waiting
To move, too blurred
I am lost
I'm confused
What can I do?
I need you...to

Speak!

Speak your love
Come On and
Speak!
Speak to me

Can ya
Make it real
Make it more
Than just ideal

Will ya
Explain your plan
Spell it out
You might have to say it twice
Or even SHOUT!
Just..

Speak

Speak to me
Speak clearly now
Speak your love

Cause..

I wanna know
I wanna change
Can't be in the show
with no part on the stage

Oh Where do I staaaaaaaaannnnnd?

I need to believe that you're greater than..

Speak!

Speak to me
Speak it clearly
(I'm holding out)
Speak!
(Still holding on, to a false hope in a song)

Speak!
to me
Speak your love...

And all the world
is lies
I need to know you

you still believe
in me

Curly Blond but the roots are brown

I was always the pretender but never the person.

Even when I sang, I would try to sing in the exact same manner and voice of the original artist. I remember that being a little weird to people. Especially when I would sing out Amazing Grace as some kind of negro spiritual.

My favorite artist as a young'n was Amy Grant. I could imitate her voice, her inflections, and after I studied her autograph awhile, I could forge for her too.

(That's a little creepy, I know)

That what I was/am (take your pic) an imitator. A chameleon of my choice. When it came time finally to be Kayt Masterson (wife, mother, lover, or even daughter)...I never knew just who that was, or what she would look like.

If it wasn't someone in Hollywood playing the big screen then it was someone close to me. But never too close because I thought they were too cool for me.

Hannah W. was everything I wanted to be. She wore the striped leggings and retro skirts with complimentary ratty band t-shirts (many of whom I still have yet to see in concert~jealousy looming). Her cherry on top was her outrageously curly blond hair. She usually styled it in cute little puff ball pig tails off to the side of her head. Everything she did or said she did it with flare. She was not a super model eye-candy centerfold, but her personality and individuality made her more than "they" could ever be.

She was amazing...just thinking about her and her persona...I'm still in awe.

No no. I know what you're probably thinking and no.

I did not have a crush on her. I just wanted to be like her.

I'm sure we all do this to some extent. Otherwise there would not be a hit show entitled "American Idol". The idea of worshipping another person by imitation is not a new one. However, when you lose who you are because you are always trying to be someone else.. You have a problem.
That's me.


I never wore crazy colored tights. I didn't want to be that obvious, but I did start wearing funky skirts and t-shirts together with converse shoes. I wanted to be admired for my weirdness as Hannah was. I wanted to be content with me like she was.

I bring this subject up only because recently I was talking to my husband about how I was thinking of choosing this new persona (from a movie we watched together) to model after.
I realized that I had never talked to anyone (including him) about that part of me. Probably because it's a bit embarrassing to say that I constantly try to morph into someone else.
I get so intense into the transformation that not only do I study everything I can get my creepy little hands on concerning said person, but I also begin to view myself as them. As if I am looking out at my world from behind their eyes.
If I could harness this ability with some confidence I might actually make a pretty good actress.

Just for the heck of honesty I will list off a few "characters" that I have chosen in the past to mimic.
Amy Grant
Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart)
Elizabeth Shue (Karate Kid and The Saint)
Jodie Foster (various movie roles)
Kate Winslet (Eternal Sunshine and Titanic)
Julia Roberts (Runaway Bride)

Surprisingly (I guess) men are in this list too...
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack from Saved by the bell)
Richard Gere (First Knight)
Brad Pitt (The Mexican and Spy Game)
Val Kilmer (Top Gun)
and the guy that played Karate Kid that we never saw in any movies ever again. I think his name was Ralph.

And the actress that I was speaking to my husband about is Zooey Deschanel (Yes Man).

Switchfoot: This is Home - Music Video from Prince Caspian

Here's the video from youtube.
(Refer to previous post)

Songs and The Singer

I've got my memories
Always
Inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known

Chorus:
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back

Back to how it was
And I got my heart
Set on
What happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

I heard this song on my MP3 player coming home today. I've heard it over a dozen times before. Isn't it funny how something that you've read or heard and understood the meaning of can suddenly come forward to your mind to be greater and more astounding than it ever was before? (That's a long question.)

In my last post, I aired the fact that I still struggle with my fantasy life. Basically, just keeping my thoughts from wandering away to another place can be very difficult for me. That does make me sound ADD, doesn't it?



I am different. The change in me happened without my notice. Suddenly it didn't take so much effort to believe that I was a REAL woman and nothing else. I'd say that by the time I was engaged, I was a believer.

As for my thoughts, identifying the enemy was a great help. Mostly, separating me from what I now called sin allowed me to survive the blame battle that went on inside my head. I was not the problem! What a revelation that really was....and still is.

Back to the song....
I wish you could hear it. You should check it out on youtube. It's called
"This is Home" by Switchfoot.
Like I said, at first I was like "eh" but today it was a blow to the chest.

I wish I could easily explain to you where I am right now. Where my heart has been and where I've been lacking. I think the word "lacking" is pretty accurate. There have been many days when I would slow down and get a moment to reflect, only to realize what a sad sack I really am. It's ironic, I suppose, that when I was living in "sin" the most and didn't even blink over it was when my relationship with Christ was at it's fullest.
I have not been at my fullest.

Realizing that didn't help make it better, but served as an excuse to not care if it got worse. Understand that I am speaking in terms of the heart, and although feelings and beliefs are intangible, given time they will make themselves seen.
But that's now. Let's back up for a moment.

I started talking to other Christians about my struggles just this past year. I was feeling like a fraud, a fake. And I started thinking (even though I wasn't even tempted to think about these things and I had come so far) if these ladies who I sat with every other Tuesday morning at MOPs (Mothers Of Preschoolers) knew who I was, who I used to be, they would not want me there.

I was overwhelmed with guilt and fear.

I had sort of been "lead" into becoming a part of a prayer group that conveniently met on mornings when I was already there in the building because of my son's preschool classes. The woman who organized the group's activities every week immediately stuck out as Christ incarnate to me. If you had been there you would agree. And to me, at the moment, she might as well have been.

One day after the group had been dismissed I lingered around waiting to ...I didn't really know actually. But that fear and uncertainty had been bothering me. I had been married for 6 almost 7 years and had two children with not any desire to talk to anyone about this EVER, but today...it was like I was holding my breath and I needed someone to tell me how to breath again.

I was reaching out. For what? For Help?

I don't really know what I was looking for then. Maybe I was just after a way to feel better. I needed a release from the anxiety that had begun to take a physical toll in my neck and shoulders.

Presently, seeing how I have "back slided" in a most unexpected way, when I do open up I know what it is.
A cry for help.

Sometimes you help yourself by helping others.

Sometimes you go through a slump and you need someone to remind you that it won't last forever.

Most of the time it helps to just talk things out ~even on a google blog.

Each day is something different (even if just a little).

Today God reminded me of what's most important to me through a song.

Tomorrow...

who knows.

Keep your eyes open.

A Rough Day

As I mentioned before now, it is my desire to be able to share what my life is like in the present tense eventually. ... I think this is a good time to give you a glimpse of my the issues I deal with on somewhat regular basis. Some days go better than others (I think that's true for most of us.)

I have a wonderful husband (Drew) as I've mentioned before. He knows all about me. I told him most of what I have told you before we were married. Things I thought and I swore to myself that I would never be able to say to my husband. His reaction was not what I expected.

He loved me all the more.

So we have two wonderful, smart, funny, and completely healthy kiddos. And everyday I feel so undeserving of my place in their lives. I love them so dearly as I'm convinced any mother would.
Even calling myself a "Mom" was a wow moment for me.
I think most people misunderstand when I say that.
I know it's amazing enough to bring a life into the world. And the first time your child calls out to you by name ("Mommy")...There's enough warmth to melt an iceberg.

However, the reaction is even greater to me in the way of finally hearing a title such as that given to me. ME!!? I'm a "Mom"? It's easier now but I'm still learning to grasp onto that. Don't forget that just believing that I'm a whole woman was a difficult concept not all that long ago.

I was terrified when I was pregnant that the baby would come out wrong... because of me. Somehow even after being married for 3 years I still was not a complete believer. I had trouble with breast feeding. I know that this is typical of many new mothers, but I was still nervous about my lack of potential. Nervous is an understatement. I was a mess!
I wanted the best for my beautiful baby and I was not a hundred percent sure that I was it.

I still worry about the day that they discover my "secret".
All I can do is my best.

I know that this isn't flowing very well tonight....
I don't care. This is gritty. This is real.

Today:

My husband works overnights 4 times a week.
I have trouble sleeping on a regular schedule while he is working. Sometimes (like today) he comes home and makes breakfast for the kids to let me sleep longer. (Because he's a sweetheart)
Later he came to bed and it was time for me to get up and take over. This is a typical daily routine for us.

When he came to bed this time, I told him how lonely I've been feeling. How I know that God has been working on me lately. He finally broke through my barriers again on Saturday night while I practiced for morning worship.
So I had been trying extra hard to keep my thoughts pure (yes, I still struggle with this), but I am realizing that I associate sex with love. It makes sense with every psychology course I've taken. They all say that women have sex to be loved and men love to have sex..;) or something like that.
Anyway, somewhere in midst of that deep revelation we ended up testing our theory by making love to each other.
Later...I got up to get dressed to go downstairs and see what the kids were up to. Drew turned to me and said, "Well, at least that might hold off your loneliness and fantasies for awhile. Right?".

My heart broke.
I replied, "Honey, I want you to know..none of my problems with my thought life or temptations in that area are your fault. It has NOTHING to do with us."
I said, "We could have sex 5 times a day 7 days a week and I would still be tempted to wander. It's completely selfish every time I give in and I don't want you to ever feel guilty over my sin."
"It's not your fault."

There's more to say about this day...I haven't even gotten to the "rough" part. But I'm still debating just how honest I'm willing to be on here. Up till now, I was only using past tense. That was easy, because it left you thinking of me like this is a thing of only my past and now I'm better. It's true. I'm different, and later I will need to back up to talk about that change more. Truthfully, I just couldn't write about that tonight.

To be honest, I'm disgusted with myself. Not for being attracted to women so much (that's old news), but for letting my lowlife Father get to me like that. That doesn't sound like I'm honoring my parents very well, I know. I'm not saying it's right.
I know that I am so afraid that everyone is on their way to leaving me and not loving me anymore. I'm paranoid that everyone is two-faced just like him. My mind still secretly buys into the lie that it's my fault.
It's my fault.... that he got angry and said and did those things...not just to me but also to my mother. I feel cursed. This attraction issue just makes that feeling worse.

This is the truth.

If anyone still reads this...prayers are appreciated.

memory loss

This blog can no longer be a detailed history lesson into my life. I don't remember the sequence of events in relation to the changes going on inside me. Like watching a plant grow, the changes happen insigficantly, but after awhile you can't help but look back and say something is different.

In random moments of reminiscing with my Mom about childhood, my Kindergarten crush came up.
I told my Mom just how much I liked him and ooh how cute he was... but he didn't even notice me. I was just like another boy to him. My Mom replied, "No, no Kayt. That's not true. He liked you a lot too. I remember that much." She went to the garage and in a box she pulled out her proof. It was a hand drawn picture of what was to be him and I dressed in our best. We were getting married. The words "together forever" written across the sky above us.

I tried to argue that I must have drawn it. Just another proof of my patheic ways that I fell for a boy that didn't care for me.

She stopped me and pointed to the back of the page which said, "To: Kayt (with hearts) From: John Mark" (in kindergarten handwriting).

Why did I remember those events so differently?
When did I begin to rewrite my history?
Why did these scales fall over my eyes?

At what point did the face in the mirror become ugly?




Sorry, this one is stubby but tomorrow is another day. I can't wait till I can just write to you all about my day that I had today...sigh* It will be here soon enough.
I'm always rushing through to the next step in life. But then I miss out on all the beauty and mystery along the way.
Gotta remember to slow ...d___o___w___N.

Enjoy your beautiful and mysterious weekend!

Take time out to do something different.

Break up the routine and...

Don't rush it.

Shake it off

How do you remake yourself?
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.

I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING

This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.

The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.

That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.

I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...

We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.

How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??

And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."

He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."

So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...

My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?

I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.

Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.


Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.