As I mentioned before now, it is my desire to be able to share what my life is like in the present tense eventually. ... I think this is a good time to give you a glimpse of my the issues I deal with on somewhat regular basis. Some days go better than others (I think that's true for most of us.)
I have a wonderful husband (Drew) as I've mentioned before. He knows all about me. I told him most of what I have told you before we were married. Things I thought and I swore to myself that I would never be able to say to my husband. His reaction was not what I expected.
He loved me all the more.
So we have two wonderful, smart, funny, and completely healthy kiddos. And everyday I feel so undeserving of my place in their lives. I love them so dearly as I'm convinced any mother would.
Even calling myself a "Mom" was a wow moment for me.
I think most people misunderstand when I say that.
I know it's amazing enough to bring a life into the world. And the first time your child calls out to you by name ("Mommy")...There's enough warmth to melt an iceberg.
However, the reaction is even greater to me in the way of finally hearing a title such as that given to me. ME!!? I'm a "Mom"? It's easier now but I'm still learning to grasp onto that. Don't forget that just believing that I'm a whole woman was a difficult concept not all that long ago.
I was terrified when I was pregnant that the baby would come out wrong... because of me. Somehow even after being married for 3 years I still was not a complete believer. I had trouble with breast feeding. I know that this is typical of many new mothers, but I was still nervous about my lack of potential. Nervous is an understatement. I was a mess!
I wanted the best for my beautiful baby and I was not a hundred percent sure that I was it.
I still worry about the day that they discover my "secret".
All I can do is my best.
I know that this isn't flowing very well tonight....
I don't care. This is gritty. This is real.
Today:
My husband works overnights 4 times a week.
I have trouble sleeping on a regular schedule while he is working. Sometimes (like today) he comes home and makes breakfast for the kids to let me sleep longer. (Because he's a sweetheart)
Later he came to bed and it was time for me to get up and take over. This is a typical daily routine for us.
When he came to bed this time, I told him how lonely I've been feeling. How I know that God has been working on me lately. He finally broke through my barriers again on Saturday night while I practiced for morning worship.
So I had been trying extra hard to keep my thoughts pure (yes, I still struggle with this), but I am realizing that I associate sex with love. It makes sense with every psychology course I've taken. They all say that women have sex to be loved and men love to have sex..;) or something like that.
Anyway, somewhere in midst of that deep revelation we ended up testing our theory by making love to each other.
Later...I got up to get dressed to go downstairs and see what the kids were up to. Drew turned to me and said, "Well, at least that might hold off your loneliness and fantasies for awhile. Right?".
My heart broke.
I replied, "Honey, I want you to know..none of my problems with my thought life or temptations in that area are your fault. It has NOTHING to do with us."
I said, "We could have sex 5 times a day 7 days a week and I would still be tempted to wander. It's completely selfish every time I give in and I don't want you to ever feel guilty over my sin."
"It's not your fault."
There's more to say about this day...I haven't even gotten to the "rough" part. But I'm still debating just how honest I'm willing to be on here. Up till now, I was only using past tense. That was easy, because it left you thinking of me like this is a thing of only my past and now I'm better. It's true. I'm different, and later I will need to back up to talk about that change more. Truthfully, I just couldn't write about that tonight.
To be honest, I'm disgusted with myself. Not for being attracted to women so much (that's old news), but for letting my lowlife Father get to me like that. That doesn't sound like I'm honoring my parents very well, I know. I'm not saying it's right.
I know that I am so afraid that everyone is on their way to leaving me and not loving me anymore. I'm paranoid that everyone is two-faced just like him. My mind still secretly buys into the lie that it's my fault.
It's my fault.... that he got angry and said and did those things...not just to me but also to my mother. I feel cursed. This attraction issue just makes that feeling worse.
This is the truth.
If anyone still reads this...prayers are appreciated.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
memory loss
This blog can no longer be a detailed history lesson into my life. I don't remember the sequence of events in relation to the changes going on inside me. Like watching a plant grow, the changes happen insigficantly, but after awhile you can't help but look back and say something is different.
In random moments of reminiscing with my Mom about childhood, my Kindergarten crush came up.
I told my Mom just how much I liked him and ooh how cute he was... but he didn't even notice me. I was just like another boy to him. My Mom replied, "No, no Kayt. That's not true. He liked you a lot too. I remember that much." She went to the garage and in a box she pulled out her proof. It was a hand drawn picture of what was to be him and I dressed in our best. We were getting married. The words "together forever" written across the sky above us.
I tried to argue that I must have drawn it. Just another proof of my patheic ways that I fell for a boy that didn't care for me.
She stopped me and pointed to the back of the page which said, "To: Kayt (with hearts) From: John Mark" (in kindergarten handwriting).
Why did I remember those events so differently?
When did I begin to rewrite my history?
Why did these scales fall over my eyes?
At what point did the face in the mirror become ugly?
Sorry, this one is stubby but tomorrow is another day. I can't wait till I can just write to you all about my day that I had today...sigh* It will be here soon enough.
I'm always rushing through to the next step in life. But then I miss out on all the beauty and mystery along the way.
Gotta remember to slow ...d___o___w___N.
Enjoy your beautiful and mysterious weekend!
Take time out to do something different.
Break up the routine and...
Don't rush it.
In random moments of reminiscing with my Mom about childhood, my Kindergarten crush came up.
I told my Mom just how much I liked him and ooh how cute he was... but he didn't even notice me. I was just like another boy to him. My Mom replied, "No, no Kayt. That's not true. He liked you a lot too. I remember that much." She went to the garage and in a box she pulled out her proof. It was a hand drawn picture of what was to be him and I dressed in our best. We were getting married. The words "together forever" written across the sky above us.
I tried to argue that I must have drawn it. Just another proof of my patheic ways that I fell for a boy that didn't care for me.
She stopped me and pointed to the back of the page which said, "To: Kayt (with hearts) From: John Mark" (in kindergarten handwriting).
Why did I remember those events so differently?
When did I begin to rewrite my history?
Why did these scales fall over my eyes?
At what point did the face in the mirror become ugly?
Sorry, this one is stubby but tomorrow is another day. I can't wait till I can just write to you all about my day that I had today...sigh* It will be here soon enough.
I'm always rushing through to the next step in life. But then I miss out on all the beauty and mystery along the way.
Gotta remember to slow ...d___o___w___N.
Enjoy your beautiful and mysterious weekend!
Take time out to do something different.
Break up the routine and...
Don't rush it.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Shake it off
How do you remake yourself?
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.
I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING
This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.
The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.
That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.
I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...
We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.
How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??
And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."
He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."
So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...
My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?
I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.
Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.
Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.
All the while still living in the same environment as you were before.
I started with the basics...STOP THE PRETENDING
This was hard but I knew it was something within my control whereas the image I saw in the mirror was not.
The game plan was simple but it needed to be. I established inside my head that the enemy was Satan for he was the one tempting me. And since no one was ever really there besides me and God listening to my dream world love life play out, my only assumption is that I was really fantasizing about loving him (Satan)instead. Since it was his trap set for me.
That made it easier but it was still hard to convince my mind that Satan and God were even there listening. It still seemed rather harmless.
I heard a sermon the other day from a preacher that I have grown to respect and listen to. He said something that really rung true. I wish I could quote him but I don't remember his exact words. It went something like...
We are most tempted to fall into sin at times when God seems less than real to us.
How hard it is to believe in something you cannot see, taste, smell, or touch. There are some who have said that they have heard His calling but what have they heard really??
And this reminds me of a comedy central bit. (It also spoke to my heart ;) A comedian was making a reference to men and the answer to the "why?" question that they most receive from women following their actions.
For the women out there...
The answer is always:
"I don't know... It seemed a good idea at the time."
He went on to say that if Bill Clinton would have been smarter he would have gave that answer about the Monica sex scandal.
Now picture this...
Interviewers asking:
"Mr President what were you thinking when your intern came into your private office and offered to perform oral sex with you?"
Bill answers:
"Well, I'm not sure, but.... it seemed like a good idea at the time."
And all the men in the room would say,
"Well, yes. Hmmm...He does make a very good point there."
So anyway..my point is..just like these last few short paragraphs show. It's hard to stay focused on that one thing that you know you shouldn't do but everything in your being is still saying that its okay. Who's gonna know about it anyway...
My physical defense measure became nothing more than a simple head shake. I couldn't let people in class hear me shout out NO SATAN! every time my mind would wander, now could I?
I still had questions and no solid answers about myself. That left me feeling isolated and alone. But I knew that I couldn't focus on the pain. Just like a runner, I would never finish the race that way. That was God's part to change.
Each day that went by made it easier to say no. Simply because I didn't want to start all over again.
Next post:
You know what's interesting? After the chills, shakes and headaches all begin to go away...And you finally "sober up", you begin to see all the stuff that you've been missing.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Stacked Against Me
Just keep remembering this is MY LIFE and not yours and we'll all try not to get offended.
I understand that I'm probably skipping many details, but by this point, I'm ready to just spit it out.
Still not understanding how or what occurred inside to make me feel the way I did about myself - and girls - and life in general...I felt forced with the fact that I had to "submit" to God's will. The facts were all stacked up against me.
So it seemed.
I say "so it seemed" because I was just now beginning to see the importance of the order that love came for me. I learned it as a child in Sunday School and didn't think twice about it till now...something clicked.
We love God because He first loved us.
Even our reasons for loving God are selfish (a fun fact). But more important than that is His love came first. We were tarnished from the start, hell bent to turn against Him (and He knew it) and still...
(It brings tears to my eyes.)
My reasoning...
If God tells me that I need to stop thinking about other women like that. And that I am a woman myself just like my genetic make-up tells me I am...Then I need to believe that just like everything else written in the Bible, He wants what's best for me. In rational thought..He would know right? He made me.
What other option did I have? It was right there in front of me. Cold hard fact that He said "Don't".
Before I was even back at my room I had begun to talk to Him about the upcoming decision. I laid down the rules for Him of the trust-fall. I said, "God, this is how it works...I do my part and You have to do yours."
I was dreading stepping through my dormroom door but as soon as I did I fell hard to my knees. and then later after I got into it, my face.
I wanted a miracle right then and there.
I wanted Him to miraculously transform me because I knew just how hard this was going to be.
I had to make a vow with Him or I knew I would never be faithful to hold to my convictions.
A vow with God is serious stuff, I know.
I told Him that it was all on His shoulders. All I could do was stop and try to believe. He would HAVE to DO the rest.
I held to that as if it was a promise he Had audibly made to me.
And the struggle got harder...because I had to stop being me.
Next Up: Difficult Changes
--Preview--
(Mirror Coaching)
"I'm a woman?" "I'm a woman." "I am a Woman."
I understand that I'm probably skipping many details, but by this point, I'm ready to just spit it out.
Still not understanding how or what occurred inside to make me feel the way I did about myself - and girls - and life in general...I felt forced with the fact that I had to "submit" to God's will. The facts were all stacked up against me.
So it seemed.
I say "so it seemed" because I was just now beginning to see the importance of the order that love came for me. I learned it as a child in Sunday School and didn't think twice about it till now...something clicked.
We love God because He first loved us.
Even our reasons for loving God are selfish (a fun fact). But more important than that is His love came first. We were tarnished from the start, hell bent to turn against Him (and He knew it) and still...
(It brings tears to my eyes.)
My reasoning...
If God tells me that I need to stop thinking about other women like that. And that I am a woman myself just like my genetic make-up tells me I am...Then I need to believe that just like everything else written in the Bible, He wants what's best for me. In rational thought..He would know right? He made me.
What other option did I have? It was right there in front of me. Cold hard fact that He said "Don't".
Before I was even back at my room I had begun to talk to Him about the upcoming decision. I laid down the rules for Him of the trust-fall. I said, "God, this is how it works...I do my part and You have to do yours."
I was dreading stepping through my dormroom door but as soon as I did I fell hard to my knees. and then later after I got into it, my face.
I wanted a miracle right then and there.
I wanted Him to miraculously transform me because I knew just how hard this was going to be.
I had to make a vow with Him or I knew I would never be faithful to hold to my convictions.
A vow with God is serious stuff, I know.
I told Him that it was all on His shoulders. All I could do was stop and try to believe. He would HAVE to DO the rest.
I held to that as if it was a promise he Had audibly made to me.
And the struggle got harder...because I had to stop being me.
Next Up: Difficult Changes
--Preview--
(Mirror Coaching)
"I'm a woman?" "I'm a woman." "I am a Woman."
Memorial Day - Remembering loss is gain
Almost at the end of a long weekend.
One more day of family and friends cooking out and getting wet.
Is anyone else crispy yet?
Almost like the sun is punishing me for my heritage.
I am sometimes envious of those who reflect sunlight. But what can ya do? It's life and life never gives you all that you want. You'd be lucky if you can keep your head above water and scoot by being born without the need of oral surgery or corrective lenses.
My son also has trouble understanding the concept of "Life's not fair." Or "You don't always get what you want." He's only five so this is not at all surprising yet still the tantrums are annoying. We have a label for adults that get stuck at this stage -"egocentric". You're so vain and I bet you thought this post was about you.
I can't say I'm any better about it. I have my occasional "adult" tantrums. I've even whined to God that "It's not fair!". Unfortunately (or fortunately-depending how you look at it) God behaves the same way I try to when my son cries to me... He patiently waits for me to stop before we move on.
Waving a fist at my Dad never helped either. When I got older, I got bolder (or just desperate) I even tried punching him in the gut a few times. He has a curved spine so it was his biggest feature but also it was as hard as a rock. It was like punching the floor when your mad. And any of us that have done that know. That's always a regrettable mistake.
And he just kept coming...
I would have my say. I would tell him just how much he irreversibly hurt me. How damaged I was now. I just wanted him to know. I wanted an honest apology. An apology that came from understanding my pain. A look of sadness or something!!
Nothing...
It didn't even stop him to reflect. He just kept coming...
And he was my Daddy.
He would demand my love and forgiveness threatening that hell was a certainty if I refused. I knew he was in the wrong but what he said was right. What could I do? Where could I go? There was no escape..except the unthinkable.
Life is not fair.
I hate those words. We are forced to swallow them down like sour medicine.
After my research...
I had found my sour medicine.
One more day of family and friends cooking out and getting wet.
Is anyone else crispy yet?
Almost like the sun is punishing me for my heritage.
I am sometimes envious of those who reflect sunlight. But what can ya do? It's life and life never gives you all that you want. You'd be lucky if you can keep your head above water and scoot by being born without the need of oral surgery or corrective lenses.
My son also has trouble understanding the concept of "Life's not fair." Or "You don't always get what you want." He's only five so this is not at all surprising yet still the tantrums are annoying. We have a label for adults that get stuck at this stage -"egocentric". You're so vain and I bet you thought this post was about you.
I can't say I'm any better about it. I have my occasional "adult" tantrums. I've even whined to God that "It's not fair!". Unfortunately (or fortunately-depending how you look at it) God behaves the same way I try to when my son cries to me... He patiently waits for me to stop before we move on.
Waving a fist at my Dad never helped either. When I got older, I got bolder (or just desperate) I even tried punching him in the gut a few times. He has a curved spine so it was his biggest feature but also it was as hard as a rock. It was like punching the floor when your mad. And any of us that have done that know. That's always a regrettable mistake.
And he just kept coming...
I would have my say. I would tell him just how much he irreversibly hurt me. How damaged I was now. I just wanted him to know. I wanted an honest apology. An apology that came from understanding my pain. A look of sadness or something!!
Nothing...
It didn't even stop him to reflect. He just kept coming...
And he was my Daddy.
He would demand my love and forgiveness threatening that hell was a certainty if I refused. I knew he was in the wrong but what he said was right. What could I do? Where could I go? There was no escape..except the unthinkable.
Life is not fair.
I hate those words. We are forced to swallow them down like sour medicine.
After my research...
I had found my sour medicine.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Scary as Hell
Take this as an encouragement...because I am encouraging you to check my words in the last post. Make sure they are not only typed correctly, but I strongly "encourage" you to look at the context as well. I'm encouraging this because I want you to see for yourself what I am seeing. I hope no one expects me to post the whole book of Romans. -Ain't happen'n, sorry. =]
The description here is pretty ...well, descriptive. Don't you think? And the progression is hardly unnoticeable. It seems to go from a flick on the wrist to tearing out living organs. I think its funny (not necessarily haha) that in verse 30 he mentions disobeying your parents along with acts of evil.
(OK...I'm still stalling about talking about me. But you aren't reading this for an exegetical study or commentary so I'll move on.)
This whole page is convicting (another word for scary as hell) to me even now. I guess by the end of my rampage through the library's resources, I finally landed upon researching the words of verse 28. Being given over to a "depraved mind" did not sound like a good thing, and of course, I was curious about what exactly that meant. (Because it scared the Sh*# out of me - Pardon my asterisk)
I had concluded that it was just as I thought. Homosexuality was not what God wanted for men or women to do with their bodies, but...
I still asked the questions of how did it get this way?
How did we go from kiddos and learning about God to... fornicating in a way that did not honor Him? Two obvious extremes while the middle story leaves room for questions and doubt.
I thought of my friend Aaron.
Aaron(19 y.o.) and I were on the management team of a McD's in IL. (I worked there over summer and breaks from school.) Over a retreat that sent us to Chicago we got to talking about "stuff". I remember it well....Me holding my fat 10 dollar cigar and him sipping his wine cooler (fuzzy navel, I believe) at our super high class Chicago hotel. He must have been a light weight or something because he began confessing his life to me as if I were his own personal priest.
Aaron told me was from a very conservative Christian family who went to church every time the doors were open. And he had tried magazines and porn movies and anything he could think of....Still the only thing that got him aroused was another man.
We stayed up all night talking while the rest of our group slumped over the sofas and floors inside the suite. We decided to go out for some fresh air and took the city bus to the beach just in time for the sun to rise over Lake MI. It was both beautiful and stinky. (from seagulls and vomit...Apparently, we were not the only ones that stayed up all night partying.) All together, a very memorable night.
We stayed in touch after that and occasionally I would need to give him a lift home. The ride would give us time to talk about those things we couldn't mention at work. Aaron kept repeating just how tired he was of hiding and trying to change. He said that he would go talk to his preacher about it but for the fact that every time he got the courage to do so, the sermon that day would include another statement about how people like him were going to hell.
I ...I never knew what to say to him.
I understood that his preacher thought he was saying the right things according to the Bible. But I also knew that to Aaron it would sound like inevitable condemnation.
I'm not like Aaron. I've always felt an attraction to guys. It was somewhat different but it was always there. I reasoned, "How can God create a man who chooses Him and chooses life, and yet is so trapped in his own skin that will eventually send him away from God's plan?" "Does God create a man just to watch him burn!??" And this was a puzzle in my mind...a puzzle that came rushing back to me after reading this portion of Romans.
Another post to finish up this lengthy explanation of my decision making process coming up (soon!)
But I want to wait...And I want to hear a little more feedback about these last few posts. I KNOW it's a very VERY touchy issue with many of you on opposing sides of each other. But please a little "chatter" would be appreciated.
Another Thankyou for reading. =]
The description here is pretty ...well, descriptive. Don't you think? And the progression is hardly unnoticeable. It seems to go from a flick on the wrist to tearing out living organs. I think its funny (not necessarily haha) that in verse 30 he mentions disobeying your parents along with acts of evil.
(OK...I'm still stalling about talking about me. But you aren't reading this for an exegetical study or commentary so I'll move on.)
This whole page is convicting (another word for scary as hell) to me even now. I guess by the end of my rampage through the library's resources, I finally landed upon researching the words of verse 28. Being given over to a "depraved mind" did not sound like a good thing, and of course, I was curious about what exactly that meant. (Because it scared the Sh*# out of me - Pardon my asterisk)
I had concluded that it was just as I thought. Homosexuality was not what God wanted for men or women to do with their bodies, but...
I still asked the questions of how did it get this way?
How did we go from kiddos and learning about God to... fornicating in a way that did not honor Him? Two obvious extremes while the middle story leaves room for questions and doubt.
I thought of my friend Aaron.
Aaron(19 y.o.) and I were on the management team of a McD's in IL. (I worked there over summer and breaks from school.) Over a retreat that sent us to Chicago we got to talking about "stuff". I remember it well....Me holding my fat 10 dollar cigar and him sipping his wine cooler (fuzzy navel, I believe) at our super high class Chicago hotel. He must have been a light weight or something because he began confessing his life to me as if I were his own personal priest.
Aaron told me was from a very conservative Christian family who went to church every time the doors were open. And he had tried magazines and porn movies and anything he could think of....Still the only thing that got him aroused was another man.
We stayed up all night talking while the rest of our group slumped over the sofas and floors inside the suite. We decided to go out for some fresh air and took the city bus to the beach just in time for the sun to rise over Lake MI. It was both beautiful and stinky. (from seagulls and vomit...Apparently, we were not the only ones that stayed up all night partying.) All together, a very memorable night.
We stayed in touch after that and occasionally I would need to give him a lift home. The ride would give us time to talk about those things we couldn't mention at work. Aaron kept repeating just how tired he was of hiding and trying to change. He said that he would go talk to his preacher about it but for the fact that every time he got the courage to do so, the sermon that day would include another statement about how people like him were going to hell.
I ...I never knew what to say to him.
I understood that his preacher thought he was saying the right things according to the Bible. But I also knew that to Aaron it would sound like inevitable condemnation.
I'm not like Aaron. I've always felt an attraction to guys. It was somewhat different but it was always there. I reasoned, "How can God create a man who chooses Him and chooses life, and yet is so trapped in his own skin that will eventually send him away from God's plan?" "Does God create a man just to watch him burn!??" And this was a puzzle in my mind...a puzzle that came rushing back to me after reading this portion of Romans.
Another post to finish up this lengthy explanation of my decision making process coming up (soon!)
But I want to wait...And I want to hear a little more feedback about these last few posts. I KNOW it's a very VERY touchy issue with many of you on opposing sides of each other. But please a little "chatter" would be appreciated.
Another Thankyou for reading. =]
Monday, May 17, 2010
"God's Wrath against Mankind"....I guess that includes me.
Romans 1:18-32 (NIV)
18)The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19)since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20)For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities --his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
21)For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22)Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23)and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
24)Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25)They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
26)Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27)In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
28)Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29)They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30)slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31)they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32)Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
Next post will refer back to this one. Please let me know if you notice a typo.
18)The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, 19)since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. 20)For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities --his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
21)For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22)Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools 23)and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.
24)Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25)They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
26)Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27)In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
28)Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. 29)They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed, and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, 30)slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; 31)they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. 32)Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.
Next post will refer back to this one. Please let me know if you notice a typo.
Reheated
MMMmm Cold four hour old coffee. It really gets my heart pumping, let me tell ya.
I was considering my last post and I think I need to back the memory train up again ---just to give you more insight into my head.
I HAD considered by this point that there was something immoral about my imaginary life that I continuously returned to. Mainly because my friendship with Rosa had suffered because of it.
I knew that I had not been "present" to be a real friend to her. And that was certainly not a good definition of love.
I still had a hard time extinguishing notions that she did not ever desire something more of me. Even after reality had violently waved it in my face. But this failed relationship had prompted me to try to prevent this from happening again.
The fantasy barrier was one of respect, and that was how I rationalized it. I would only "fantasize" about movie scenes or related fictional characters from now on. That was my new rule, although I'm certain that I broke it from time to time.
I thought I could CHOOSE to be selective with my thoughts and it would be alright.
My mind was a safe place for me.
That makes me sound kind of childish I guess, but it's not that different. It was a habit I had made for myself. Possibly an escape originally. Now it was just security. It gave me a sense of familiarity. We all have our own ways of dealing with change. I had play after play of my memories behind eyes and would splice them and alter them as I saw fit.
My Mom used to walk into my room and catch me (look who's think'n dirty now). She would catch me talking to myself (fully clothed with my hands where you could see them ;) ). And she would ask me who I was talking to. My reply most of the time was "God". It sounded better than just me conversing all the time to myself and I figured that God was listening in no matter what sooo technically..... just kidding.
OK that was a tangent.
I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that for me to look into ANY scripture that might tell me I need to change who I am and tell me that I needed to somehow give this head life up FOR GOOD! What??!! I must have been insane. Giving up like that was terrifying. It would change my world. It would make me have to choose between God and myself. I knew who would lose that battle.
I looked at all kinds text, both old and new testaments. Not forgetting to double check with the original Greek and Hebrew texts. Word searches a plenty, I was going full speed and hardcore. I would not be satisfied until every stone was overturned and a conclusion was clear. Because an unclear conclusion would mean that either I missed something or the Bible was irrelevant to my life.
The main passage that I began to focus in on was from Romans 1:18-32.
(I will type it from the NIV after this post)
I'm not sure if I can stress enough that no one threw this Bible verse(s) at me. How would they? No one knew anything about this "issue" in my life.
You couldn't tell anymore (I made sure of that one). I had perfected my coolness and my femininity and I would not let myself be called "gay" or a man again. That was like painting a bright red target on my forehead. A permanent branding that would never wash off. This secret was between God and I and I wanted it to stay that way.
I was considering my last post and I think I need to back the memory train up again ---just to give you more insight into my head.
I HAD considered by this point that there was something immoral about my imaginary life that I continuously returned to. Mainly because my friendship with Rosa had suffered because of it.
I knew that I had not been "present" to be a real friend to her. And that was certainly not a good definition of love.
I still had a hard time extinguishing notions that she did not ever desire something more of me. Even after reality had violently waved it in my face. But this failed relationship had prompted me to try to prevent this from happening again.
The fantasy barrier was one of respect, and that was how I rationalized it. I would only "fantasize" about movie scenes or related fictional characters from now on. That was my new rule, although I'm certain that I broke it from time to time.
I thought I could CHOOSE to be selective with my thoughts and it would be alright.
My mind was a safe place for me.
That makes me sound kind of childish I guess, but it's not that different. It was a habit I had made for myself. Possibly an escape originally. Now it was just security. It gave me a sense of familiarity. We all have our own ways of dealing with change. I had play after play of my memories behind eyes and would splice them and alter them as I saw fit.
My Mom used to walk into my room and catch me (look who's think'n dirty now). She would catch me talking to myself (fully clothed with my hands where you could see them ;) ). And she would ask me who I was talking to. My reply most of the time was "God". It sounded better than just me conversing all the time to myself and I figured that God was listening in no matter what sooo technically..... just kidding.
OK that was a tangent.
I am telling you all this because I want you to understand that for me to look into ANY scripture that might tell me I need to change who I am and tell me that I needed to somehow give this head life up FOR GOOD! What??!! I must have been insane. Giving up like that was terrifying. It would change my world. It would make me have to choose between God and myself. I knew who would lose that battle.
I looked at all kinds text, both old and new testaments. Not forgetting to double check with the original Greek and Hebrew texts. Word searches a plenty, I was going full speed and hardcore. I would not be satisfied until every stone was overturned and a conclusion was clear. Because an unclear conclusion would mean that either I missed something or the Bible was irrelevant to my life.
The main passage that I began to focus in on was from Romans 1:18-32.
(I will type it from the NIV after this post)
I'm not sure if I can stress enough that no one threw this Bible verse(s) at me. How would they? No one knew anything about this "issue" in my life.
You couldn't tell anymore (I made sure of that one). I had perfected my coolness and my femininity and I would not let myself be called "gay" or a man again. That was like painting a bright red target on my forehead. A permanent branding that would never wash off. This secret was between God and I and I wanted it to stay that way.
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